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The ONE Skill To Attract & Seduce Anyone! - The No.1 Celebrity Therapist: Marisa Peer

Video vocabulary

reflect

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US / rɪ'flekt /

UK / rɪˈflɛkt /

A2
  • verb
  • To indicate or be a sign of something
  • To bounce back light, heat, sound from a surface
  • To show an image in glass, water, a mirror etc.
  • To think of something seriously and carefully

yes

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US / jes /

UK / jɛs /

A1
  • adverb
  • Way to say you agree or will do something

all

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US / ɔ:l /

UK / ɔl /

A1
  • adverb
  • Completely; totally
  • determiner
  • Being every one of something
  • pronoun
  • 100% of something; the complete amount

everyone

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US / ˈevriwʌn /

UK / ˈɛvriˌwʌn /

A1
  • pronoun
  • Every person; everybody

who

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US / hu: /

UK / hu /

A1
  • pronoun
  • Which person
  • Used to introduce information about people

pore

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US / pɔ:(r) /

UK / pɔr, por /

B2
  • noun
  • Small hole on skin, etc. allowing liquid to pass

fear

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US / fɪə(r) /

UK / fɪr /

A1
  • noun
  • Unpleasant feeling caused by being aware of danger
  • verb
  • To be afraid of or nervous about something

pursue

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US / pə'sju: /

UK / pɚˈsu /

B1
  • verb
  • To follow and try to catch, or to reach a goal
  • To try to achieve or get something over time

they

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US / ðeɪ /

UK / ðe /

A1
  • pronoun
  • Two or more people, animals, or things

very

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US / 'verɪ /

UK / ˈvɛri /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Concerning a large degree or amount
  • adverb
  • A lot; much; many
  • Used to stress or emphasize a noun

option

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US / 'ɒpʃn /

UK / ˈɑpʃən /

A2
  • noun
  • A choice
  • Right to buy or sell at a certain price and time

with

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US / wɪð /

UK / wɪð, wɪθ /

A1
  • preposition
  • As an employee of a certain company
  • Against something or someone
  • By using something as a means
  • Due to; because of
  • Including
  • Possessing as a feature
  • Related to
  • (Of the manner/attitude by which you do something)
  • Used to express that people or things are together

complete

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US / kəm'pli:t /

UK / kəmˈplit /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Being finished; done; achieved
  • Being as perfect and as total as could be
  • verb
  • To finish or reach the end of doing something

know

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US / nəʊ /

UK / noʊ /

A1
  • verb
  • To be familiar with a person or place, thing
  • To feel sure or be convinced about something
  • To discover or be aware of something
  • To be able to distinguish
  • To have knowledge of things

problem

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US / ˈprɒbləm /

UK / ˈprɑbləm /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Causing trouble
  • noun
  • Something difficult to deal with or causes trouble
  • Question to show understanding of a math concept

before

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US / bɪˈfɔ:(r) /

UK / bɪˈfɔr,-ˈfor /

A1
  • adverb
  • At a time earlier than the present; previously
  • conjunction
  • In advance of something happening
  • preposition
  • In front of someone or something

almost

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US / 'ɔ:lməʊst /

UK / ˈɔlˌmost, ɔlˈmost /

A1
  • adverb
  • Only a little less than, nearly, not quite

disappointment

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US / ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪntmənt /

UK / ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪntmənt /

B2
  • noun
  • Feeling or state of not being satisfied

have

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US / həv /

UK / hæv /

A1
  • verb
  • To drink, smoke, eat or use something
  • To experience the effects of something
  • To organize an event, or join in an activity
  • To own, possess, or hold something
  • To cause to happen or produce a particular effect

without

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US / wɪˈðaʊt /

UK / wɪðˈaʊt, wɪθ- /

A1
  • preposition
  • Not with; not having

once

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US / wʌns /

UK / wʌns /

A1
  • adverb
  • One time; one instance
  • At a time in the past
  • conjunction
  • When; as soon as

probably

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US / ˈprɒbəbli /

UK / ˈprɑbəbli /

A1
  • adverb
  • That is likely to happen or be true

listen

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US / ˈlɪsn /

UK / ˈlɪsən /

A1
  • verb
  • To carefully consider what someone is saying

past

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US / pɑ:st /

UK / pæst /

A2
  • adjecitve
  • No longer current or new
  • adverb
  • So as to go beyond, or further than something
  • noun
  • Time that existed before now, e.g. long ago
  • preposition
  • After a particular time
  • At a later point in distance; beyond

always

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US / 'ɔ:lweɪz /

UK / ˈɔlwez,-wɪz,-wiz /

A1
  • adverb
  • For a very long time
  • At all times; in every situation
  • For ever

guess

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US / ɡes /

UK / ɡɛs /

A1
  • noun
  • Answer given when you don't know if it is correct
  • verb
  • To give an answer without knowing if it is correct

use

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US / ju:s /

UK / ju:s /

A1
  • noun
  • Ability to employ something
  • Need to enable it to work
  • Permission to do something with something
  • Act of spending money
  • Operation of a machine for its function
  • verb
  • To have; to eat, drink, consume etc.
  • To need to operate or work
  • To operate a machine, e.g. a computer
  • To treat a person badly
  • To do something with, for a task or purpose

someone

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US / ˈsʌmwʌn /

UK / ˈsʌmˌwʌn, -wən /

A1
  • pronoun
  • Person who is not known or named

romantically

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US / rəʊ'mæntɪklɪ /

UK / roʊ'mæntɪklɪ /

B1
  • adverb
  • As part of a romance; as boyfriend/girlfriend

age

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US / eɪdʒ /

UK / edʒ /

A1
  • verb
  • To keep food, wine for a long time to improve it
  • To get older
  • noun
  • Period of time in history
  • Number of years a person or thing has lived

incomplete

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US / ˌɪnkəmˈpli:t /

UK / ˌɪnkəmˈplit /

A2
  • adjecitve
  • Not finished; not having everything necessary

sort

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US / sɔ:t /

UK / sɔrt /

A1
  • noun
  • Group or class of similar things or people
  • verb
  • To organize things by putting them into groups
  • To deal with things in an organized way

how

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US / haʊ /

UK / haʊ /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • To what degree? in what amount?
  • adverb
  • (Used to explain the way to do something)
  • exclamation
  • For what purpose or reason?
  • (Used to ask someone or something's condition)

five

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US / faɪv /

UK / faɪv /

A1
  • number
  • 5

kind

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US / kaɪnd /

UK / kaɪnd /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • In a caring and helpful manner
  • friendly and considerate
  • noun
  • One type of thing

you

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US / jʊ /

UK / ju /

A1
  • pronoun
  • Person someone is speaking or writing to
  • Person or people in general

alone

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US / ə'ləʊn /

UK / əˈlon /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Apart from others
  • Without equal
  • adverb
  • Without anyone or anything else

person

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US / 'pɜ:sn /

UK / 'pɜ:rsn /

A1
  • noun
  • Man, woman or child

let

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US / let /

UK / lɛt /

A1
  • verb
  • To allow someone to do something
  • Introducing a suggestion to do something together
  • To rent a house, etc. to others

the

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US / ðə /

UK / ðə /

A1
  • article
  • Used to refer to something already mentioned
  • Used to show there is only one of something
  • determiner
  • Used to describe all of a family

mate

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US / meɪt /

UK / met /

B1
  • noun
  • A friend who you work, live, or go to school with
  • Partner in a (sexual) relationship
  • One of a matched pair e.g. a shoe or glove
  • A kind of officer on a ship
  • other
  • Person your wish to, or are married to
  • verb
  • To pair a male and female so they have children
  • To join or fit two things together

level

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US / 'levl /

UK / ˈlɛvəl /

A2
  • adjecitve
  • (Sports) equal to another
  • Being steady and determined (e.g. a voice)
  • noun
  • Specific height of something
  • Amount of ability you have compared to others
  • Floor or deck within a building
  • Tool used to determine if something is lying flat
  • verb
  • To aim a gun at someone
  • To destroy a building; flatten an area completely
  • To make things flat or even
  • To make a score equal to another, in sports

into

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US / 'ɪntə /

UK / ˈɪntu /

A1
  • preposition
  • Moving or going inside something
  • In the same direction as; in the direction of
  • So as to become; taking the state of

lucky

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US / 'lʌkɪ /

UK / ˈlʌki /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Fortunate; having good things happen by chance

one

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US / wʌn /

UK / wʌn /

A1
  • pronoun
  • You; we; people in general; someone
  • The thing or person previously referred to
  • adjecitve
  • Used to refer to people generally
  • Being a strong example of (something mentioned)
  • number
  • Number 1

open

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US / 'əʊpən /

UK / ˈopən /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Available for use; accessible
  • Not being hidden; available for others to see
  • Being available for customers to enter or use
  • Allowing everyone to use or take part in
  • Not secret anymore
  • Not closed or shut
  • Willing to accept new ideas and thoughts
  • noun
  • Name for a tennis or golf competition
  • verb
  • To make accessible or able to be used, e.g. road
  • To start the activities or services of a business
  • To make a space or hole appear in something
  • To move or change so that it is no longer closed
  • To start something, e.g. a new business

than

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US / ðən /

UK / ðən /

A1
  • conjunction
  • Used to compare two things that are not equal

dump

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US / dʌmp /

UK / dʌmp /

B1
  • verb
  • To end a romantic relationship
  • To put something somewhere without care
  • To throw away as waste
  • To get rid of unwanted things in an illegal manner

less

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US / les /

UK / lɛs /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Smaller in amount or degree
  • adverb
  • To a smaller degree
  • noun
  • A smaller amount
  • preposition
  • With the subtraction of

valuable

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US / ˈvæljuəbl /

UK / ˈvæljuəbəl, ˈvæljə- /

B1
  • adjecitve
  • Being useful or important
  • Being worth a lot of money

happy

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US / ˈhæpi /

UK / ˈhæpi /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Feeling pleasure or joy; glad

ready

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US / 'redɪ /

UK / ˈrɛdi /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Being likely or about to do something
  • Being willing to do a task
  • verb
  • To prepare something for use or action

this

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US / ðɪs /

UK / ðɪs /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Used to indicate something already been discussed
  • Used to indicate something happening around now
  • adverb
  • An indication by a physical motion or gesture
  • A specific amount of
  • determiner
  • Person, thing, or idea near you
  • pronoun
  • Person, thing that has already been discussed

those

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US / ðəʊz /

UK / ðoz /

A1
  • determiner
  • The people or things we are talking about
  • pronoun
  • The objects far from the speaker

amazing

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US / ə'meɪzɪŋ /

UK / ə'meɪzɪŋ /

A2
  • adjecitve
  • Surprising in a pleasing way
  • verb
  • To cause wonder; to surprise completely

definitely

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US / ˈdefɪnətli /

UK / ˈdefɪnətli /

A2
  • adverb
  • Without question; beyond doubt

just

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US / dʒʌst /

UK / dʒʌst /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Proper or appropriate; as is deserved
  • Doing or being what is right or fair
  • Legally correct; having enough evidence
  • adverb
  • Almost; nearly
  • Exactly at the time of
  • Exactly (the same as, like)

why

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US / waɪ /

UK / hwaɪ, waɪ /

A1
  • adverb
  • Question word to ask for a reason
  • exclamation
  • (Used to express surprise or approval)

start

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US / stɑ:t /

UK / stɑrt /

A1
  • noun
  • First time or place that a thing exists; beginning
  • First opportunity to achieve something, e.g. a job
  • Sudden action or movement because you are scared
  • other
  • Beginning of something in place or time
  • verb
  • To do, be or happen for the first time; begin
  • To turn something on

well

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US / wel /

UK / wɛl /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Being in a fortunate, good condition or state
  • Healthy and in good condition
  • adverb
  • In an acceptable, proper, or successful manner
  • In a complete, total, or full manner
  • A great and considerable degree
  • In a successful way, in a good or satisfactory way
  • exclamation
  • Used to begin or continue a particular statement
  • Used to show you want to start saying something
  • Used to express that you are waiting for a reply
  • You say this to change the topic of a conversation
  • Used to indicate you are making a final remark
  • noun
  • Long deep hole in the ground to get water
  • verb
  • To cause your eyes to fill with tears

and

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US / ənd /

UK / ənd, ən,ænd /

A1
  • conjunction
  • Used to refer to two or more things
  • Plus; in addition; on top of that
  • Used to introduce an action that follows another

commitment

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US / kə'mɪtmənt /

UK / kəˈmɪtmənt /

A2
  • noun
  • Permanent love or concern for person, thing
  • Promise or decision to do something for a purpose

lot

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US / lɒt /

UK / lɑt /

A1
  • noun
  • What happens to a person in life from chance; fate
  • A group of people seen together
  • Item for sale at an auction
  • Small area of land used for a purpose e.g. parking

come

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US / kʌm /

UK / kʌm /

A1
  • verb
  • To arrive at a place
  • (Of mail) to be delivered
  • To move toward someone; go with someone
  • To reach a certain point or state

decide

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US / dɪ'saɪd /

UK / dɪˈsaɪd /

A2
  • verb
  • To make a choice or choose after thinking about it
  • To make a legal judgment in court
  • to affect the result of something

marry

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US / 'mærɪ /

UK / ˈmæri /

A1
  • verb
  • To become the husband or wife of someone
  • To perform a marriage ceremony

think

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US / θɪŋk /

UK / θɪŋk /

A1
  • verb
  • To have an idea about something without certainty
  • To have an idea, opinion or belief about something

where

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US / hwɛə /

UK / hwɛr, wɛr /

A1
  • conjunction
  • At or in the place which
  • In whatever place
  • pronoun
  • Word you use to ask the location of something

something

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US / ˈsʌmθɪŋ /

UK / ˈsʌmθɪŋ /

A1
  • adverb
  • In some degree or measure
  • noun
  • a person or thing of some value or consequence
  • pronoun
  • Thing that is not yet known or named
  • Approximately

rather

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US / 'rɑ:ðə(r) /

UK / ˈræðɚ, ˈrɑðɚ /

A1
  • adverb
  • Somewhat; fairly; not that much

finding

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US / ˈfaɪndɪŋ /

UK / ˈfaɪndɪŋ /

A1
  • noun
  • Something you discover or find out; a result
  • verb
  • To become aware of something that is happening
  • To discover or meet by chance
  • To decide if someone is guilty of a crime, or not
  • To learn through study, research, or effort
  • To discover something by looking for it

from

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US / frəm /

UK / frʌm, frɑm,frəm /

A1
  • preposition
  • Starting at a particular place, time or level

hate

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US / heɪt /

UK / het /

A1
  • noun
  • Severe, deep sense of dislike or anger
  • An object that you hate
  • verb
  • To have a very strong feeling of dislike for

out

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US / aʊt /

UK / aʊt /

A1
  • adverb
  • No longer stylish (e.g. fashion)
  • Away from home, business, or the usual place
  • In a direction/movement away from inside or center
  • noun
  • Act when a batter cannot continue playing
  • verb
  • To tell people a secret

share

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US / ʃeə(r) /

UK / ʃɛr /

A2
  • noun
  • Part-ownership in a property, business or company
  • Part of a company you own, shown by a certificate
  • verb
  • To divide something between two or more people
  • To allow others to use your things equally
  • To give information, etc. to someone

girl

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US / gɜ:l /

UK / gɜ:rl /

A1
  • noun
  • A female child; a young woman

hey

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US / heɪ /

UK / he /

A1
  • exclamation
  • What you say when you want someone's attention

issue

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US / 'ɪʃu: /

UK / ˈɪʃu /

A2
  • noun
  • Important topic discussed, debated or argued over
  • Single edition of a magazine
  • verb
  • To make something available to be used or sold
  • To deliver a statement, etc. in an official manner

but

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US / bət /

UK / bʌt,bət /

A1
  • conjunction
  • Used before you say something different, opposite

life

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US / laɪf /

UK / laɪf /

A1
  • noun
  • All the living things e.g. animals, plants, humans
  • Period of time things live, from birth to death

now

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US / naʊ /

UK / naʊ /

A1
  • adverb
  • At the present time or moment
  • Right away or in the next possible moment
  • Used to refer to something that just happened
  • Time between the present and a moment in the past
  • conjunction
  • Resulting from or because of something

pattern

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US / 'pætn /

UK / ˈpætən /

A2
  • noun
  • Model to follow in making or doing something
  • Colors or shapes which are repeated on objects
  • Regular repeated behavior
  • verb
  • To copy the way something else is made

want

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US / wɔnt /

UK / wɑnt, wɔnt /

A1
  • noun
  • Something you desire or wish for
  • State or condition of poverty
  • verb
  • To desire or wish for something; hope for a thing

pick

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US / pɪk /

UK / pɪk /

A1
  • noun
  • Sharp tool used for breaking the ground
  • Item selected from a group of choices
  • verb
  • To take fruit or vegetables from a plant or tree
  • To decide on a thing from various choices; select
  • To remove (flower, etc.) with your fingers

really

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US / ˈri:əli /

UK / ˈriəˌli, ˈrili /

A1
  • adverb
  • Used to stress something that is said; definitely
  • In a true or accurate manner
  • Very

would

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US / wʊd /

UK / wʊd /

A1
  • other
  • Used to indicate something imagined
  • Used to ask or request something politely
  • Verb used to indicate possibility, request etc.
  • Used to indicate a preference
  • Used to indicate a reaction
  • Indicates something that occurred repeatedly
  • Used to indicate willingness or ability to do

reject

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US / rɪˈdʒekt /

UK / rɪˈdʒɛkt /

A2
  • noun
  • Goods that are not suitable for sale at full price
  • Person others do not like, or refuse to accept
  • verb
  • To decide that something is not good enough
  • To refuse, deny to believe, accept, or consider

behaviour

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US / bɪˈheɪvjə(r) /

UK / bɪˈhevjɚ /

A1
  • noun
  • The way a person or thing acts; manner

not

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US / nɒt /

UK / nɑt /

A1
  • adverb
  • Word indicating the negative
  • (Used to form the negative of verbs)

quite

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US / kwaɪt /

UK / kwaɪt /

A1
  • adverb
  • Not very; fairly
  • Very; In a complete or total manner

needy

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US / ˈni:di /

UK / ˈnidi /

B2
  • adjecitve
  • Poor; without much money

yeah

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US / jeə /

UK / ˈjɛə, ˈjæə, jɛ- /

A1
  • exclamation
  • Another way of saying 'yes'

phase

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US / feɪz /

UK / fez /

A2
  • noun
  • Different stages of the moon from new to full
  • Distinct part or step in a process
  • One stage of a process or series of stages
  • verb
  • To make happen in a gradual ordered way

own

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US / əʊn /

UK / on /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Belong to oneself
  • determiner
  • Yours, his, hers, etc.; not belonging to another
  • pronoun
  • (Something) belong to myself
  • verb
  • To have something as your property

get

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US / ɡet /

UK / ɡɛt /

A1
  • verb
  • To become affected by illness or disease
  • To begin to feel or understand an emotion or idea
  • To send or bring someone or something home, etc.
  • To go somewhere to obtain something
  • To (cause to) do a particular thing
  • To obtain, receive or be given something
  • To currently have
  • To prepare for use
  • To understand something being said or read

find

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US / faɪnd /

UK / faɪnd /

A1
  • noun
  • Object discovered by chance
  • Things that have been discovered from searching
  • verb
  • To become aware of something that is happening
  • To discover or meet by chance
  • To decide if someone is guilty of a crime, or not
  • To learn through study, research, or effort
  • To discover something by looking for it

great

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US / ɡreɪt /

UK / ɡret /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Very large in size
  • Very important
  • Very good; fantastic; wonderful
  • adverb
  • Very good; better than before
  • noun
  • Successful and well-admired person

partner

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US / 'pɑ:tnə(r) /

UK / ˈpɑrtnɚ /

A2
  • noun
  • One you have a business/personal relationship with
  • Someone you have personal relationship with
  • verb
  • To join with others for work or other activity

right

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US / raɪt /

UK / raɪt /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Correct or true
  • The south side of you looking at the rising sun
  • adverb
  • Exactly in a place or time
  • Being appropriate for a particular event
  • In a straight or direct manner
  • noun
  • Something you are legally or morally allowed to do
  • Ideal of what is just and good
  • Political view based on conservatism
  • verb
  • To fix something previously wrong or unjust
  • To make upright, as a boat that has turned over

even

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US / 'i:vn /

UK / ˈivən /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Being equal in influence, power, possibility etc.
  • Being divided equally or fairly
  • (Of teams/contest) with similar chances of success
  • Smooth, level, or regular
  • Can be divided by 2; ending in 2, 4, 6, 8, or 0
  • At a regular, equally steady manner
  • Remaining steady and unchanging
  • adverb
  • (When this is surprising) as well; too
  • (Used to compare two things/stress the difference)
  • verb
  • To make something level; to flatten
  • To make something equal

different

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US / ˈdɪfrənt /

UK / ˈdɪfrənt /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Not of the same kind; unlike other things

people

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US / 'pi:pl /

UK / ˈpipəl /

A1
  • noun
  • Persons sharing culture, country, background, etc.
  • Men, Women, Children

like

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US / laɪk /

UK / laɪk /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • Being equal in status or kind to something else
  • Similar; the same
  • adverb
  • For example
  • preposition
  • Used as a filler; used to ad emphasis
  • In a way similar to the way something is done
  • Such as; for example
  • verb
  • To want to
  • To find something pleasing; to prefer something

that

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US / ðæt /

UK / ðæt, ðət /

A1
  • adjecitve
  • The person or thing being talked about
  • Used to identify something both the speakers know
  • adverb
  • Used to reinforce adjectives and adverbs
  • To such a degree
  • conjunction
  • Used to connect a noun clause
  • Used to introduce an adverbial clause
  • Used to introduce a noun clause
  • determiner
  • Used as a noun to refer to something
  • pronoun
  • Referring an object far away
  • Used to refer to the relative pronoun ‘which’

what

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US / wɒt /

UK / hwɑt, hwʌt, wɔt, wʌt,hwət, wət /

A1
  • pronoun
  • Thing or things that; the same kind as
  • Used to emphasize something you are about to say
  • adjecitve
  • Used to refer to a particular amount, or number
  • Used to place emphasis on a particular quality
  • adverb
  • To a certain degree
  • determiner
  • Question words used for asking for information
  • exclamation
  • Used to express excitement, shock, or surprise
  • Used to ask people to repeat something they said

must

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US / məst /

UK / mʌst /

A1
  • noun
  • Something that is necessary or required
  • other
  • (Used to state that something ought to be true)
  • Used to say something is required or necessary

then

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US / ðen /

UK / ðɛn /

A1
  • adverb
  • A time that is not now
  • Following another thing in time or arrangement
  • Following on reasonably from what was just stated
  • At that time, not now

search

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US / sɜ:tʃ /

UK / sɜ:rtʃ /

A2
  • noun
  • Examination of person to find something
  • Action to find an answer to a problem
  • Action of trying to find someone or something
  • verb
  • To examine a person's clothing to find something
  • To look for an answer or explanation to a problem
  • To look carefully for someone or something
  • Subtitles section
  • Are we less valuable when we're in search of something?
  • Yeah, definitely.
  • That's the problem, right?
  • Well, it's one thing is to say, hey, you know, I've got a great life and I've decided, you know, I'm ready to be with someone amazing.
  • I want to share my life with someone who wants to share that.
  • But I'm quite, I'm okay if I don't find them.
  • I've got a great life, but I'm kind of open to finding the right person now.
  • It's rather different to needy.
  • I need someone to complete me.
  • I don't want to be on my own.
  • I hate being alone.
  • I need to find my mate, my partner.
  • So you almost need to be at a level where you're happy and you've got a great life, but you want to share it rather than I'm incomplete without that person.
  • There's something wrong with me.
  • People used to say to me, why are you not married?
  • I'd say, I don't know, just lucky, I guess.
  • Because I hated the option of what's wrong with this.
  • I always had that pattern.
  • I don't know.
  • I guess I'm just very lucky.
  • From the age of 20 to 25...
  • Yes.
  • ...everyone I pursued romantically, once I'd even got past the commitment issues, didn't want me.
  • And I always reflect on it and go, when I really wanted someone, there must have been something I was doing.
  • Yeah, they knew that you were a dump then.
  • They knew that you had a commitment fear.
  • That sort of probably came out of your pores.
  • So of course they dumped you before you dumped them because your behavior and some of the things you did or said or even didn't would have let them know that you had a commitment fear.
  • And so they just got out before you did.
  • They weren't even...
  • I got rejected a lot in that phase from like 20 to 25. And I reflect on it and go, how come those five girls that I pursued, that I really wanted, that like, you know, I'd start listening to Adele and think of them,
  • Like, you know, went into the frenzy.
  • All of them rejected me indirectly.
  • But if they all did it, if it wasn't...
  • If it was all of them, they all picked up something from you.
  • Because if it was one, you go, oh, well, it was them.
  • Yeah.
  • It's like people say, I've had five wives, they're all a disappointment.
  • Have they had five husbands?
  • No.
  • Well, then it was you.
  • I was talking to a client, I've had five wives, they all disappointed me.
  • I said, well, you were the disappointment because they couldn't all disappoint you.
  • You must have wanted perfection, which you did.
  • And you can only ask for perfection if you're offering perfection, which none of us can offer.
  • My conclusion from that chapter in my life was there must be like a thousand micro-expressions that these people are picking up on that are communicating that I'm low value.
  • Yeah.
  • And do you know what?
  • I couldn't fake it.
  • I read all the books about, you know, I read this book and this matchmaking book and this book called The Game, The Mystery Method.
  • I watched all the documentaries and the only reason it changed in my life was when my actual opinion of myself changed.
  • Yeah, of course, because you didn't value yourself.
  • And, you know, if you have this belief, I'm not good enough and you fake it, people pick it up.
  • They know instinctively.
  • They can't help it because it's at a level beyond communication where you have a low sense of worth, people pick it up.
  • And then when you have a high sense, they pick it up too.
  • But when you fake it, you're still faking it.
  • So that's why you've got to get to that level of, hey, I'm so great.
  • When I was in...
  • I was in Zimbabwe just before I met John and they put me in a honeymoon suite.
  • And it was an amazing place.
  • They kept saying, oh, this is so sad, you haven't got a husband.
  • They don't understand that.
  • Why haven't you got a husband?
  • This is not normal.
  • And I thought, you know, I'm so happy.
  • And I thought, as a second time in a month, I was also teaching in Coventry, they put me in a honeymoon suite again.
  • That really was the best dream in the house.
  • And it was a big honeymoon suite.
  • I thought, well, you know what?
  • I love being in here.
  • I didn't think, oh, this is so sad.
  • And so the second I was in a honeymoon suite, I was thinking, you know what?
  • If this is as good as it ever gets, I'm on my own in this amazing place in Zimbabwe, in this amazing...
  • With two baths outside, and two showers, and two of everything, I'm okay.
  • I'm really happy.
  • And I was married 10 months later.
  • I didn't even know John.
  • Well, I knew him, but we weren't dating.
  • Because you have to get to that level of thinking.
  • And 10 months later, you were married?
  • Yeah, I came home.
  • I knew John, our kids went to the same school.
  • I came home from Africa in September, met him in October, we were married the following August.
  • But I got to that level where I was so happy being...
  • Just being by myself, that I didn't chase him or think, oh my God, I need this.
  • It was just like, oh, here you are, and I already know you, and you're a great guy.
  • And it all worked out perfectly.
  • But you have to get away from the neediness, or I'm running away from it, avoiding it, or desperately looking for it.
  • In your case, looking for it, thinking it's a prison.
  • You have to be at the level of, I'm ready, but I'm happy anyway.
  • And then from 25 to 30, the next five years, the thing that changed in my life was I became what other people would call successful.
  • I had business success.
  • Now, it's funny because someone will look at that and go, okay, well, for the next five years, from 25 to 30, you had money, so it attracted people, whatever, right?
  • Yeah.
  • But I know that that's not the full story.
  • I know that I think the success changed my beliefs about myself.
  • Of course it did.
  • And I just think I stood differently and I...
  • Of course you did.
  • You had a sense of self.
  • It's not that I'm rich, but it's like, I've created this, I'm worth something.
  • Your sense of self elevated because of what you've done and achieved, and you grew up a bit too.
  • And so your sense of self went up.
  • And people like people with a strong sense of themselves.
  • It's very attractive.
  • It's actually very sexy.
  • Confidence is really sexy.
  • A sense of who you are is very sexy for men and women.
  • So without knowing it, that's what you got.
  • And from 25 to 30, in that period, I no longer had that issue.
  • Of course not.
  • I felt that I could attract someone that I wanted.
  • If I pursued someone, I thought...
  • I went into it thinking, you know, the choice is going to be mine.
  • Yeah.
  • To say that in the least humble way I possibly can.
  • And I fell in love with someone and I've been with them ever since.
  • I was actually working with someone who won the lottery.
  • And he said, you know what happens?
  • When I won the lottery, women became more orgasmic.
  • I said, you know that happens all over the world?
  • When men win the lottery, their girlfriends become more orgasmic.
  • He went, yeah, I don't understand it.
  • And he couldn't understand it.
  • It was a bit of a joke that, of course, they became more orgasmic because he became so attractive to them because he'd won the lottery.
  • So that was very funny.
  • It makes so much sense.
  • So people are going to hear that and go, so you can't fake...
  • That's what I came to learn from that 10 years of my life.
  • You can't fake it.
  • I say it to all my friends now.
  • I give them this, or everything I know about some of the books I read about how to be high value.
  • And then I tell them the story that between 20 and 25, I read all these books and I still couldn't do anything about it.
  • So reading the books is not enough because you can't fake it.
  • And I say to some of my best friends and one of my close girlfriends, I said, it's almost like there's a thousand little micro expressions of low value that we give off.
  • And language is just, it's a new form of communication versus the like thousand tiny things we don't know we do, which tell the person that we don't value ourself, we have no self-esteem and we're not confident.
  • If you're looking for self-esteem anywhere outside of yourself, you're not going to find it.
  • If you're looking for self-esteem out there with the Jasmines of the world or someone, unless you're looking for it in here, you're never going to find it.
  • So stop looking out there.
  • Self-esteem is not out there, it's in here.
  • And just spend some time saying, hey, I can elevate my sense of self-worth, self-value, self-image.
  • You see, self-esteem means, if I say, Stephen, I hold you in the highest of esteem, that's what I think of you.
  • But self-esteem is what I think of me.
  • And what happens is we start to poke holes in our self-esteem by saying, oh, I'm not good enough, I'm not rich enough, smart enough, attractive enough, qualified enough.
  • And you've got to go back and go, no, I can raise my self-esteem, I matter just the way I am.
  • I matter, I'm enough, I'm lovable.
  • And, you know, my dad always said, the job of any school is to raise the kid's self-esteem.
  • That's more important than learning Latin or sport.
  • And all schools, their job is to raise kids' self-esteem.
  • And parenting too, your job as a parent is to raise your kid's self-esteem.
  • But nobody teaches us that.
  • We think, oh, no, it's organic broccoli and making you safe and making you learn Mandarin and sending you to a good school.
  • No, your job is to raise kids with good self-esteem.
  • And then they'll have relations with people who've got good self-esteem.
  • If it only will work on self-esteem, the world would be so much better.
  • How would you have...
  • What would you have done with 20-year-old Steve if he'd come to you and said, listen, Marisa, I've pursued all these women, they all seem to not value me?
  • Yeah, well, I would have gone right back to look at what was happening when you were growing up.
  • What was going on with your mom and dad?
  • Where did you get these beliefs from?
  • What happened to you?
  • You know, it's not what's wrong with you, it's what happened to you.
  • You should never say, what's wrong with you?
  • What happened to you in your formative years?
  • What did you see growing up with your mom and dad?
  • What did you see?
  • So, if we look at, you know, Paul McCartney, who loved Linda, and all his children have got very secure relations.
  • Stella's got four children, amazing parent, Mary, she's got three children, but they're very happy.
  • They've stayed with us because they learned what they live.
  • You learn what you live.
  • What did you learn?
  • What did you live that you learned?
  • Which was that marriage is a horrible place you can't escape from, it's punishing, it's not a place of sanctuary or love or support, something completely different.
  • I also think I just learned that I was, at a very young age, that I think maybe that I learned that I was unlovable at some level.
  • Because I think about being a black kid in an all-white area where your house is, like, dilapidated, I think that's the right word, where you can't, never brought anyone home, never brought a girl home in the 16-odd years that I lived in Plymouth,
  • Never brought anyone home, no one knew where I lived.
  • I had this, like, constant shame.
  • And I showed up as if I was a confident kid, like, you know, pairs of football team.
  • It was an act.
  • Yeah, and you went home feeling ascent.
  • You see, one of the...
  • I taught 16,000 therapists all over the world and I teach them, there's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door, only three things.
  • And one of them is, I'm different so I can't connect.
  • The next one is, I want something, it's not available to me.
  • And the third one is, I'm not enough.
  • There's a lot of versions, I'm not smart enough, good enough.
  • But when you talk about that little boy who was a black kid in a white world, living in a shambolic house, never bringing people home, straight away you're saying, I was different.
  • And if I'm different, I can't connect because we connect by being the same.
  • Kids go, I like Postman Pat, so do I. I like pasta, so do I. I like Barbie, so do I. Oh, you're my friend.
  • But when you're different, you can't connect.
  • So you first had that first thing, I'm different so I can't connect.
  • What I want, being the same as all the other kids, is not available to me.
  • And if you think you're unlovable, then you have to think you're not enough.
  • But, of course, that's what you felt.
  • The truth is, you're deeply lovable just the way you are.
  • But it's very hard when you don't feel it.
  • So when you, you know, your feelings are the most real thing you have.
  • And we're always trying to use logic.
  • But logic doesn't work because in the battle between emotion and logic, emotion wins every single time.
  • So the emotion of being this kid who felt different, not enough, not the same, you can't logic that better.
  • Yes, you can achieve a lot and work hard and be a millionaire.
  • You remember John Lennon said, the thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside.
  • And so you're trying to fake it till you make it, but then you just end up feeling like a big fake.
  • You have to go back and look at, okay, I felt different, but here's an interesting thing.
  • If our greatest fear is to feel different, it must be that I'm the same as everyone because that's our greatest fear, to be different.
  • We used to be cast out for being different, banished for being different.
  • But actually, if you fear being different, ironically, that means you're the same as everyone because you've got the same fears.
  • And what wasn't available now, you've made it available many years ago.
  • And you're deeply lovable and more than enough.
  • So you have to kind of go back and look at that old scene and say, but that's not me anymore.
  • Of course it's not me.
  • So just stating why it isn't you is actually one of the most transformational things you can ever do.
  • As we're so busy looking for how it is us, you know, here's a rule of the mind, whatever you look for, you will find whatever you focus on, you get more.
  • So when you look at how it's still you or still there or still bothering you, then you'll find it.
  • And, interesting, I think when you look at the mess in your room, you remember the shambolic house and that's why it bothers you.
  • Not because it's messy, because you were brought up in a shambolic house.
  • Now you come out and think, oh, look at this room, I've recreated the same.
  • Instead of saying, actually, I'm in a five-star hotel, there's a maid next door, it's a little bit messy, it's not shambolic, but you see what your brain is looking for is what's the same.
  • And it will always find it, but if you look for what's different, you'll find that too.
  • So when you have a brilliant brain, which we all have, and you definitely have, instead, you've got to talk yourself out of it, not into it.
  • You're talking yourself into how the messy room is the same as a messy home, and it bothers you greatly because it feels out of your control, which it was when you were a kid living in that house.
  • Don't talk yourself out of it.
  • Oh, yeah, I have created a mess, but, hey, I'm a super successful guy, I'm busy, someone's going to come in and clean all of this up, and it's not the same.
  • It's vastly different.
  • But our mind is always looking for what's the same because it loves what is familiar.
  • After all, you know, if you were a two-year-old kid living in the prairie and you wanted out on the prairie, you'd only eat the berries you already knew.
  • You wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar because it would have killed you.
  • So our primitive brain wants to go back to what is familiar, back to what is known, back to what is comfortable.
  • I will do everything I can from now until forever to make this channel better and better and better.
  • Thank you.